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I’m naming my next few blog posts “Reality Check”, which is what most people need every now and then. I know how easy it is to get into a groove and go with the flow; inertia. It’s a comfortable, low stress way of sailing through life, but if you’re looking to challenge yourself and make a change, it is deadly. This is true for all things in life, but in this little corner of cyberspace, we’re going to focus on soulmate searching. If you’re not seriously interested in settling down with someone special and are happy gliding through the carefree safari of singledom, then you should stop reading now and watch some HBO, take a walk in the park, or head to your local bar and fantasize about meeting that hotty at the next table.
 WARNING: the rest of this blog might make you feel uncomfortable, angry, disillusioned, or depressed, so continue reading at your own risk. I’m going to primarily speak to the ladies today, but the guys are welcome to read along. Whenever I speak with ladies I hear the same thing: there are no good guys out there. They, of course, are doing everything right, everything they should be doing, so they can’t understand why the occasional knights in shinning armor that they are interested in don’t seem to be interested in them. A woman recently called me to schedule a session. She told me she was 42, attractive, personable, and she knew she was doing everything right, so she didn’t understand why she couldn’t find Mr. Right? She canceled the day before the session, so maybe she figured things out or maybe she met Mr. Right. More likely, she decided that she really was doing everything right and was confident enough to continue doing what she’s been doing for the last ten years without making any changes. See you in another ten years.
Ok, here’s where the reality check begins. Ladies, there are three major criteria that men will use to evaluate you: Looks, age, and personality (in that order). Of course, there are always exception, but I’m giving you the rule. It doesn’t matter how brilliant or hilarious you are; personality comes last. Obviously personality and character take on tremendous importance once you’re in a relationship, but in order to get into that relationship, they are of minor significance.
Let’s assume that you’re an attractive woman. Many of the women I meet with are. That means you’ve got it made right? Not so fast. Do you know where your knights in shinning armor spend their time? If they’re fit (the kind of guy you’re looking for, right) then they’re spending time jogging in Central Park (or Santa Monica beach, you fill in the name), biking down Riverside, or pumping iron at the gym. Have you been to these places lately? Well I have and I can report that they are filled with really attractive, super fit, women wearing tight shorts and extremely revealing tank tops. The gals sunbathing on the grass all along the route are wearing bikinis, and look like Baywatch extras.
Those hardworking, ambitious, professional guys that are on top of your list are working in offices and buildings populated by legions of fit, attractive, confident, and put together professional ladies in stylish tight fitting suits, dressed for success. Ladies, these are the women you are competing against. More accurately you are competing with the images of these women. These images are seared into the minds of the guys that see them day after day, and they are what these guys will be comparing you to. Heck, they’ll even be comparing you to the actresses and models they see in movies and on TV. It doesn’t matter if these guys are in fantasy land; to them, and therefore to you, it’s reality.
So, maybe you are attractive enough to compete. You might very well be, but there’s another factor you need to take into account. Most of those bikini wearing, aerobics practicing, aspiring models are about ten years younger than you. This brings us to criteria number two: age.
It doesn’t matter how many therapists, counselors, rabbis, and parents tell you that age doesn’t matter and should not be a factor in choosing a mate. The fact is that it does matter, mostly to guys in their thirties and older. It actually also matters to many women, but not in the same way. I’m not going to debate the reality of this issue, and frankly, it is irrelevant. What matters is the reality of what the average guy out there is thinking, and that reality is that guys are looking for gals who are younger than them. Sometimes much younger. This is a fact, so please ladies, don’t try to prove me wrong with a random example or two. The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you will be able to formulate a strategy to deal with it.
Now that your all upset, angry, and totally disgusted with me and this blog, let’s talk about solutions. First, looks. There are things about our appearance that we are stuck with and things we can change, if we choose to. We can all exercise, cut out the junk food, eat healthy, dress well, and make sure we’re always well groomed. I can’t even tell you how many gals I’ve seen over the last two decades on the UWS that started exercising and eating better and soon after found their soulmates. Coincidence, I think not. Try it out, and see what happens. At the very least, you’ll feel better and healthier, and you’ll be less stressed and more confident. Guys like that.
Next time well talk more about the age thing, and then personality. For all you guys reading this, don’t get all smug. I’ll deal with you after I’m done with the ladies, and it won’t be pretty. In the meantime, try to get comfortable with the fact that you won’t be marrying any of those models, cheerleaders, or aerobics instructors and start focusing on the real life ladies that are right in front of your eyes.
I have a confession to make. I watched the last ten minutes of “The Bachelorette” last night. It was my first time, and I won’t do it again. I tuned in just in time to see the bachelorette give out her final rose, sending home the unlucky fellow left flowerless (deflowered? no, wrong context). To make sure the guy was totally humiliated, the rules of the show require him and the bachelorette to spend a few moments in private to exchange some final parting words. Now, like I said, I haven’t been watching this program so I’m not familiar with all the characters or interactions, but I can confidently conclude a couple of obvious things.  The bachelorette is super attractive, with a lively, fun, and exciting personality who we can easily understand why any guy would be attracted to. The guy she dumped seems like a really nice, warm, sensitive guy, decent looking, but not on the same looks level as the guys with the roses. She walks him towards the door. He turns to her, takes her hands in his, looks deep into her eyes, and pours his heart out, how he cherished every moment they spent together and how deeply he feels for her. She appears a bit uncomfortable, looks at him briefly, and tells him that she just felt the romance was missing. They embrace; he, longingly and lovingly, she, politely with a tinge of pity. You’re a great guy, best of luck, and please hurry on out of here, I’ve got a few winners I need to get back to.
There is a lesson here. When a gal (and for that matter, a guy) decides she’s not feeling it, there ain’t nothing you can say or do to change that. It doesn’t matter how great your are, how much you love her and cherish her, or how sensitive or emotional you are. She’s made up her mind. She’s just not into you. All your words of praise, love, and devotion don’t change a thing. Now you have two choices. You can continue to hang around, pursue, convince, scheme, plot, fantasize, pray, and get your heart handed to you on a platter regularly. It might work, and you might also win the lottery. History, statistics, probability, and common sense all scream DANGER-BROKEN HEART ZONE. Unless you’re crazy or a masochist, I highly recommend a second option. Cut your losses. I know you’ve invested an incredible amount of time, money, energy, and emotion into this, and it seems like you’ve come so close…you can’t give up now, right? WRONG. Forget about all that you’ve invested and chalk it up to an expensive learning experience. Don’t invest more in a losing venture. As the wise man said, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” Enough! Go on now go, walk out the door, don’t turn around now…and I promise you, you will not only survive, but you will find someone who will accept your love and reciprocate.
If you’ve been part of the dating scene for at least a year (less for some) you’ve most probably earned the title of Ten Second Evaluator. That means, you can look at a member of the opposite sex and decide in ten seconds whether you’re interested or not. The longer you date, the less time you need. At first it might have taken you a full thirty seconds, maybe even a minute, to rule on the eligibility of the potential date under scrutiny. You might have even felt the need to actually engage in conversation to make an informed decision.  Now, after dozens, scores, even hundreds of dates and thousands of hours of evaluation, scrutiny, and examination, you’ve become an expert. All you need is ten seconds at most, usually no more than five, and sometimes as little as a two second glance to eliminate a potential soulmate from further consideration. Mazal Tov! You’ve just made finding your soulmate nearly impossible!
I know that sometimes one look at a person is enough to know that they’re definitely not for you. If you see one of the “Biggest Loser” contestants, and you don’t fancy extremely overweight individuals, then it’s obvious after a two second glance from a distance that it’s not going to work for you. At the same time, when you see someone that matches the fantasy soulmate image you have stored in your head, you don’t need more than a glance to know you’re interested. But what happens in cases that aren’t so clear cut, when the potential falls somewhere between the beauty and the beast? If you simply rely on your 10 second evaluator instinct, you might be making a big mistake and passing up a golden opportunity. I’ll never forget the time I was set up with a woman I had never met. I asked a couple of guys about her, but I didn’t get any clear cut answers, which of course, made me assume the worst. I called her and we spoke briefly. The only thing I remember from the conversation was that her voice sounded deep and masculine. Perhaps it was just her heavy Brooklyn accent, or probably a combination of the two. My evaluator got to work. I ended up not asking her out. There was no way I was taking a chance on someone who sounded like an unemployed Brooklyn longshoreman. I ended up meeting months later. She was smoking hot! It turns out she had a bit of a cold the night we spoke, which made her voice raspier than usual. The accent was still there, but so what? Seeing her in person, I hardly noticed. Needless to say, she wasn’t interested in giving me another chance. Maybe she did a ten second evaluation on me?
We get so used to making split second evaluations that we become physical unable to hold off for even the shortest time to give ourselves a chance to make an informed decision. Go for a stroll through Central Park on a summer day and notice how you rate every guy or gal that you pass. You’ve turned into an evaluation monster…the evaluator!
In most cases, it isn’t possible to evaluate someone in 10 seconds. You might think you’re getting it right, but all you’re really doing is making assumptions based on your own suppositions and projections. Guys and gals mess up evaluations in different ways. For guys, the evaluation is pretty much confined to physical appearance. Based on a quick look over, they’ll decide whether they think the gal is hot enough for them to pursue. This kind of evaluation can go wrong in many ways:
1. The gal might be wearing unflattering clothing. I can’t tell you how many times I crossed off a gal from my list based on a 10 second eval only to see her on another occasion looking very different and very desirable.
2. The gal might have just returned from a sweat lodge, and look it. Given an hour or two to pull herself together, she might make you feel like kicking yourself for dismissing her so quickly.
3. She might have just had the day from hell at work and be feeling grumpy, upset, and unfriendly. We all have those days. Catch her on a good day and you might be pleasantly surprised.
The female 10 second evaluation is usually much more extensive than the guy version. Gals don’t just look at looks. They also factor in intelligence, humor, confidence, personality, social status, financial stability, and earning potential (there are more, depending on the gal). Since they have been told that they possess higher levels of understanding and intuition, most women assume that they’re evaluations are always right. Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but no matter how intuitive you are, you cannot depend on your 10 second evaluation skills. With all the factors that your judging, you probably need at least a date or 2 to make an educated evaluation. I remember one gal who rejected a guy who wasn’t a particularly sharp dresser, because she assumed that his lack of style meant that he wasn’t financially stable, only to later discover that the guy was a hugely successful derivatives trader who happened to always enjoy the casual, rainy Sunday afternoon look. She ended up repenting and marrying him.
Ladies and gentleman, my advice to you is this: cut them some slack! Trade in your stopwatch for an hourglass, and give yourself the chance you deserve to meet someone who might actually make you happy. A ten second evaluation might be the right way to find a ten minute relationship, but it’s not going to work for something long term, and real. You’re looking for someone who you’ll hopefully be spending many years with. You’re initial evaluation will, in most cases, be irrelevant. Most successful, long term, relationships don’t spontaneously pop into existence. Those super intense, hot and heavy, fast track extravaganzas usually fizzle out just as quickly. Real, lasting relationships take time to nurture. They grow organically, as the partners slowly get to know each other, and build connections and feelings. Your ten second evaluator will make sure you never get the chance to build that lasting relationship.
Take some time. Ask questions. Listen. Relax. Give love a chance. Give yourself a chance to find happiness.
By this time you should have already read my last blog on profile photos and gotten busy making sure your photos are up to par. If you haven’t done that yet, stop reading and get to work. Your photos are the most important marketing tools in your soulmate searching kit. The first thing potential soulmates look at is your profile photo, and any other photos of you they can find. Some base their decision to contact you solely on your photos.
 Most internet daters will look at one more thing before making their final decision: the written portion of your profile. Yes, it’s not all just about looks, even for guys. Ok, for some guys (and gals) it is, but I’d like to believe that the overwhelming majority of soulmate seekers combing the cyber dating sites in search of their “bashert” are looking for more than just a pretty face. They want to base their decision on who you are, your personality…the real you. Their only source for this information is what you’ve communicated in the words you’ve crafted and positioned next to your pretty face. The written portion of your profile is your chance to turn possible interest into definite pursuit.
There are two parts to a written profile: vital statistics and personal representation. Vital statistics include name, age, hometown, siblings…the facts of your life. There’s not much creatively that you can do with your vitals. Before you go any further, lying is not an option. Besides being morally and ethically wrong, lying about your vitals will comeback to haunt you in the least opportune moment. If you lie about your looks (ie height, weight) you will be “outed” the first time you meet that someone in person, and you will lose any chance of successfully continuing with that person. It won’t matter how intelligent, engaging, or funny you are (unless, for some reason, you decided to lie and say you were short and overweight, when you’re actually a part time swimsuit model). You’ll always wear that liar’s badge of shame. Lying about your age is also almost always a deal breaker. The only way to cover up a vital statistic that you’re not happy with is by simply not revealing it, when that is an option. Hiding information usually doesn’t work, because it either makes the other person think worst case scenario, or it just makes them doubt your ability to be honest and emotionally open in a relationship.
The second part of your written profile is where you represent who you are to all those potential soulmates considering you. This is your opportunity to shine, dazzle, entrance, entice, and seduce. Remember, your goal is not just to attract just anyone. You want to attract a potential partner that shares your life goals and dreams. The more clear and open you are in expressing what those goals and dreams are, and most importantly, who YOU really are, the better chance you’ll have at meeting the “right one”.
How you craft your written representation of who you are depends on your personality, style, and writing skills. Some people can express humor and whit, some seriousness and introspection, and some their playfulness and romantic flavor. Some people can write in a flirtatious style without coming off as cheesy or sleazy. Some people stick exclusively to straightforward facts and statements. The main thing is to honestly express who you really are and what you’re looking for in a mate.
Here are a few guidelines that you should follow when writing your personal representation:
1. Before you actually write anything, formulate exactly the idea you want to convey. What message do you want to send your reader? Once you’ve done that, don’t confuse the reader with lots of irrelevant gibberish. Make sure you convey your message as clearly and concisely as possible within your chosen style.
2. If you choose to write with humor or sarcasm, make sure it’s clear to the reader that that’s what you’re doing. The worst is when you’re trying to be funny but your reader thinks you’re being serious.
3. Don’t reveal too much sensitive personal information. You’ll have plenty of time to talk about that stuff on a third or fourth date. No need to scare anyone away just yet.
4. Read over what you’ve written before publishing it. Check your grammar and spelling. Bad grammar and stupid spelling mistakes are a real turnoff for anyone with at least average intelligence.
Even if you follow my guidelines there’s one important point you need to realize: not everyone is a good writer. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has different talents. If yours happens to be writing, you have a tremendous advantage in the profile writing category. Use it. If you’re not a writer, don’t give up hope. You can still write a coherent and interesting profile if you really put your mind to it (not like you did in high school). Just keep it simple and to the point. If you try to be too fancy, funny, sophisticated, satirical, sardonic, sagacious, or sarcastic (or if you keep trying to use big words that basically reflect the same idea just to look cool) you will probably just succeed in motivating your reader to click on his mouse and move on to the next profile.
Don’t be ashamed to get help writing your profile. You wouldn’t hesitate getting help to write your resume. Well, this is more important than a job, so get all the help you need. In that vain, I’m offering a new Profile Doctor service to help you get the right kind of profile you need to find your soulmate. Read about it here and let’s get to work!
We live fast moving lives, with no time to waste. We demand our communication, information, entertainment, and nourishment in real time, without delay. Fast food, instant meals, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, smart phones, instant messaging…we must have exactly what we want when we want it: right now. We make decisions on the fly, in lighting speed, without investing significant thinking time for fear of throwing our lives off the fast track to success. For most people, soulmate searching is no different. You search through hundreds of profiles on dozens of sites in a matter of moments, hoping to find that special one that jumps out at you, slaps your face, and yells, “here I am, your fantasy dream come true!” Without commenting on the effectiveness of success rate of this method of cyber-searching, it is the reality, and if you want to be a successful cyber-dater, you need to accept that and use it to your advantage.
 The first, and probably only, part of your online persona that a prospective seeker will see is your photo. This is 99% true for a male seeker and 90% true of females (I’m giving the gals the benefit of the doubt based on the alleged theory that they don’t care as much about appearance, even though in this day and age, they have unfortunately descended onto that some low rung on the ladder of superficiality as their male counterparts). Your photo is therefore the most important piece of bait in your fishing kit of dating tools that you will need to hook your soulmate prey, so it better be good. When I refer to profile photos I don’t just mean your official dating site Mona Lisas. Every photo that includes you, or any part of your anatomy identifiable to the world, must portray you in your absolute best light. That means you need to search through Facebook, Myspace, Picassa (you get the idea) and destroy any trace of image that doesn’t completely and totally make you shine. Always remember that your potential soulmates will scour the web using the most innovative and effective detective and forensic skills that would impress members of any metropolitan CSI team, in search of your photo. It’s up to you to make sure they only see what you want them to see.
What makes a good photo? Here are a few things, in no particular order:
1. Your main profile photo should be of you alone, not you and your ex (or current) squeeze, or you and your best friends who happen to be better looking than you. You want it to be absolutely clear that it is YOU who is ready and waiting for your soulmate.
2. Your main profile photo should be relatively current. There’s a big difference between making yourself look your best and deception. Enough said.
3. Your main profile photo should allow someone to actually see you. That means you shouldn’t be standing a mile away, behind a tree, or with your back facing the camera. If someone needs a magnifying glass to see you, they’ll pass and move on to the next prospect.
4. Find someone with a decent camera who has a clue about photography to take your photo. Your cellphone camera is probably not going to give you the best result. In fact, it’ll make you look really bad. So will photos taken with really bad lighting or with you or the photo taker moving around. Many conscientious soulmate searchers have their photos taken by professionals. While that is certainly advantageous, I don’t think it’s an absolute necessity as long as you know someone who can take decent photos. If you don’t, or you’re not sure, then spring for the professional photos and be sure that you’ve done your very best.
5. Make sure you look good in every single one of your photos. Get someone who you trust will be honest with you to help you evaluate your photos. You might want to get rid of that photo with you in those old, plaid gym shorts and tank top, attempting to dead-lift that metal trunk, or that one of you in the speedo…you get the idea. Anything that will make someone gag or burst out in mocking laughter should be deleted.
7. You can choose a setting for your photo that reflects your personality. A peaceful nature setting portrays calmness, balance, and maturity. An amusement park reflects high energy, vivaciousness, and excitement. Be creative.
6. A smile exhibits confidence, stability, friendliness, and lots of positive energy. It attracts people and makes them feel good. Everyone wants to date someone who makes them feel good. SMILE, but be normal about it.
Bottom Line: Your photos are your calling card, your bait. Make sure they are great.
PS – For more on this topic, read my past postings on First Impressions and Cyber-Dating.
In my last post I promised to discuss profile photos, and I will keep that promise, but it’ll have to wait another week. There’s a step in the soulmate searching process that comes before profiles and is vitally more important. If you’re trying to meet your soulmate through the good offices of an intermediary, such as a matchmaker (jretro.com!), relative, friend, or local grocery store owner, barber, flight attendant (you get the idea), you must make sure they know exactly what you’re searching for in a soulmate. If you don’t make that clear to them, they will simply use their best judgment in choosing your potential partner, which usually doesn’t work to your advantage.
 In order to give them the proper direction, you need to know what you’re looking for. It sounds obvious. Of course you know what your looking for, but do you really? Everyone says they’re looking for someone attractive, nice, and goodhearted, but is that really all it takes? If that were true, I wouldn’t need to continue writing this blog because there would be no singles left to read it. If all that you’re looking for is attractive, nice, and goodhearted you should have no problem finding a partner…no excuses. I guess it’s not so clear cut after all, is it? What exactly do you consider attractive? For most (almost all) men and many women, the answer to this question is vital, and any deviance from that answer is literally a deal breaker. Ladies, is nice and goodhearted enough, or is having a career and making a decent living important too? I can go on for another few pages, but I think you get my drift. The generic, nonspecific, description most singles give their soulmate searching agents is inaccurate, and in many cases misleading or plain out false.
In order to get introduced to, or attract, your true soulmate, you need to be clear about what exactly you need, or want, and you need to be as specific as possible. While you’re formulating your list, you should spend some quality time reevaluating every item on that list to make sure that it is realistic and truly a requirement. For example, if you’re the guy who usually gets casted as the hunchback of Notre Dame (no costume or makeup necessary), you might not want to hold out for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Same goes for you, ladies. Enough said.
After you’ve evaluated and reevaluated your list, and feel comfortable with your decisions, you need to convey the details of that list to anyone you are hoping will act as your agent. Be specific. That means if there are specific physical or personality qualities that are deal breakers for you, you must be clear about what they are. Be honest, and don’t be embarrassed. It’ll save you, and a lot of other people, a lot of time, frustration, and disappointment. Your agents can only help you find your soulmate if you provide them with the right information and feedback.
Now that you’ve got your story straight, you need to stick to it. Goodhearted, well meaning, cupids will try to convince you to date wonderful people that simply do not fit your list of criteria. If you’re sure there are dealbreakers in the cards, be really nice, sensitive, and thankful, but say no. Cupids, please respect the direction of your soulmate searchers. Give them advice, but don’t force them into doing something they know won’t work.
Best of luck on your soulmate search.
Next week…profile photos!
I’d like to begin this post by welcoming all my new Jretro.com readers and letting you know how excited I am to be part of the vibrant Jretro community. I hope that my advice and insights will help you succeed at your own, personal, soulmate search. I’ve been writing Soulmate Searching for a while now, so when you have some free time, read through my earlier posts. I think you’ll find them informative and enjoyable. At least that’s what my loyal soulmate searching readers have told me.
You’re probably wondering who the heck is this guy and why should I bother listening to anything he says? Valid point…so let me introduce myself. I spent about a decade and a half living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, single. I dated a lot of women (I’m not one of those guys that keeps a score card, so I honestly don’t know the exact number, but if you figure an average of eight women a year, that brings the total to well over a hundred), and got at least twice as many rejections. I had several serious relationships, non of which ended well, and one broken engagement. I feverishly pursued more than a few women over whom I spent entire chunks of my life obsessing, and proceeded to lose interest in those that made the mistake of letting themselves get caught. I spent the majority of my personal time (and a decent part of my work day) analyzing, in excruciating detail, every aspect of every woman I came into contact with, and every social encounter, real and imagined, that I had, or would in the future, engage in. I’m sure all this is sounding quite familiar to most of you. It certainly did to all of my friends, male and female, who went through all the same stuff I did, and from whom I learned a lot by observing their actions and listening to their stories.
A few years ago, probably around five, I started making changes in my approach to dating and relationships. I began to figure out who I really was and what I really needed to be happy. I set a goal, devised a strategy, and implemented it. It wasn’t easy, and there were setbacks and frustrations, but in the end I succeeded in finding my soulmate…and marrying her (I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I was single, for obvious reasons).
Now it’s my turn to help other men and women find their soulmates. I know how hard it is, because I’ve been through it all myself, and I feel your frustration and pain. My advice and insights derive from years of experience, observation, and analysis, along with some authentic Jewish wisdom and spirituality when needed (yes, I’m also a rabbi). I try to be totally (sometimes brutally) honest and direct, without being insulting or derogatory.
So, if you want to learn how to pick up, seduce, manipulate, or control members of the opposite sex, there are loads of dating experts who will proudly teach you how to be victorious in the sex and dating game; I’m not one of them. But if you’re done playing the game and are ready to commit yourself to a serious soulmate search, please continue reading my blog, and be in touch. I think I can help you succeed in finding, and committing to, your soulmate.
Now that I’ve got your attention, make some time to read some of my previous posts, and send me your questions. No, I won’t identify you in the blog unless you specifically ask me to.
Let’s get down to business. Since I’m assuming that most of you are first time readers of my blog, I’m going to take the liberty of repeating some of what I wrote about in my last post relating to cyber-dating, so if you’ve read that one already you can skim through the rest of this post and stay tuned for new stuff next week.
If you’re reading this, you’ve bought into the whole online dating thing. You’ve made a wise decision. The greatest thing to happen to soulmate searching since the invention of deodorant is cyberspace. You now can meet potential soulmates in any part of the world, regardless of the remoteness of your home base. You can also see their photos and get to know them a bit via email or chat, if you are so inclined (and are able to express yourself in the written form. If you’re not good at writing, just stick to the phone. Your writing disability can and will work against). How awesome is that! You are no longer confined to dating the guys on your block, or the gals in your area code. Cyber-dating is not limited to the dating sites you all relish, like Jretro.com. Facebook, Myspace, and other social networking sites I’m not up to speed on, are all tools specifically developed to connect with people. If you’re not taking advantage of them, you’re passing up a huge opportunity.
Now that you’re playing the cyber-dating card, you need to make absolutely certain that your cyber-impression represents you exactly the way you want it to. Your online profile and photos are the only thing that potential soulmates will have to go on when deciding whether to expend valuable time and resources in pursuit of you. They will make assumptions, presumptions, projections, and conjectures based on an amateur photo and a few hastily typed lines of text. You will do the same. It sounds pretty shallow and arbitrary, because it is, but it’s reality, so you might as well use it to your advantage and post the most amazing profile and photos imaginable, and reap the rewards.
In my next post I’ll discuss profile photos. After that I’ll discuss the written part of your cyber-profile. In the meantime, send me your profiles and I’ll try to give you some constructive feedback. You can also send questions, comments, compliments, and critique to arnie.singer@gmail.com.
Until next time, I wish you all great success on your soulmate search.
Last week I wrote about the importance of first impressions. This week, as promised, I’d like to extend the discussion to the world of cyberspace, specifically: your online profile. Yes, I know how amazing it would be to simply meet a guy or gal in person, in a relaxed setting, and have everything effortlessly fall into place from there. It happens quite often in movies, sometimes in real life, and it might have even once happened to you, but let’s face reality together for a second. The chances of it happening to you in the immediate future are too uncertain to bet your future on, so you need to try something that will increase your odds of success.
 The greatest thing to happen to soulmate searching since the invention of deodorant is cyberspace. You now can meet potential soulmates in any part of the world, regardless of the remoteness of your home base. You can also see their photos and get to know them a bit via email or chat, if you are so inclined (and are able to express yourself in the written form. If you’re not good at writing, just stick to the phone. Your writing disability can and will work against). How awesome is that! You are no longer confined to dating the guys on your block, or the gals in your area code. Cyber-dating is not limited to the dating sites you all relish. Facebook, Myspace, and other social networking sites I’m not up to speed on, are all tools specifically developed to connect with people. If you’re not taking advantage of them, you’re passing up a huge opportunity.
Now that your convinced and ready to play the cyber-dating card, you need to make absolutely certain that your cyber-impression represents you exactly the way you want it to. Your online profile and photos are the only thing that potential soulmates will have to go on when deciding whether to expend valuable time and resources in pursuit of you. They will make assumptions, presumptions, projections, and conjectures based on an amateur photo and a few hastily typed lines of text. You will do the same. It sounds pretty shallow and arbitrary, because it is, but it’s reality, so you might as well use it to your advantage and post the most amazing profile and photos imaginable, and reap the rewards.
Let’s talk photos. This is the most important part of your cyper-identity, especially if you are a gal, right. Trust me on this one. Most guys, and a great number of gals, decide whether to make contact and pursue solely based on a photo. It’s your job to make sure your photo catches their interest and draws them into the pursuit. Ok, if you’re a professional model (male or female) or look like one, you don’t have much to worry about. Just snap the photo and be done with it. For the rest of the guys and gals out there, do not get discouraged. You have full control over the photo(s) you post, so you have the advantage. You don’t need to worry about some photographer following you around, snapping candid shots when you least expect it. You can stage your photo shoot exactly the way you like. If you’re not crazy about how you look from the neck down, just use a head shot. If you’re ready to go full length (or anything in between), go for it. It’s your choice. However, make sure you get rid of any photos you feel are not highlighting you at your very best. It doesn’t matter if it’s a shot of you at your best friends wedding. If it doesn’t meet your photo standards, take it down and save it for the day after your chuppah. Your friend will understand. Same goes for random Facebook photos. If someone else is posting photos that include you, make sure they meet your requirements, and if they don’t, ask your friends to take them down.
The only way you should appear in your photo is with a smile on your face. Like I’ve written in previous posts, no one wants to be around a sourpuss. A smile radiates warmth, sincerity, self confidence, and happiness. It tells potential soulmates that they can expect an enjoyable, relaxed, and upbeat experience if they choose to date you. A non-smiling face screams NO FUN, STRESS, DRAMA, TENSION. Which face do you want to date? Obviously, there are different types and sizes of smiles, that each send a different message. A wide, toothy, beam will radiate differently than a subtle, mysterious grin. You choose the kind of smile that represents you best, but you must display some form of positive facial expression to get noticed.
The setting of your photo can say a lot too. A fun one, like an amusement park, picnic, boat ride, or sporting event says, “I’m fun and active”. The beauty of nature as your background says, “I’m real, down to earth, and of course, appreciate the great outdoors.” What you wear also speaks volumes. Dressy, casual, sporty, hip, funky…it’s all good, as long as it’s sending the message you want to convey. If you’re really gutsy you can use the photo of you in your purim costume (as long as it’s attractive – no fruit or diapers). The first time I saw my wife’s photo, on a friend’s Facebook friend’s list, she was wearing an Indian sari, which succeeded in peaking my interest enough to contact her. No she didn’t wear the Sari on our first date, and yes, I was a bit disappointed (I’ve since gotten over it).
I think you’ve gotten my point about the importance of profile photos. Now for the last point which I would rather avoid, but it’s too important, so here goes. What if you feel, for whatever reason, that displaying your photo will be detrimental to your chances of attracting potential soulmates in cyberspace? Don’t be so hasty in making that determination. Get a second opinion from someone who you trust will be totally (and brutally) objective. It’s totally fine, and probably smart, to seek the advice and opinion of a professional, someone who can be honest with you while helping you bring out and highlight your attractive features. If after doing your due diligence, you still feel uncomfortable about putting your photo up for all to see, then don’t. Many potential soulmates will ignore your photo-less profile and, in any case, you will eventually have to bite the bullet and send the photo, but there is one positive opportunity that can emerge. If, and only if, you are skilled in the written word and can create an incredibly engaging, interesting, and captivating written profile, you have a chance of attracting the attention of some of the more cerebral soulmate searchers out there. Let them rejoice in your exciting and intriguing personality, and deal with the photo when the time is right. Under no circumstances should you ever post a photo of someone else (and say it’s you) or a photo that is too old to truly represent how you actually look today.
Next week I’ll discuss the informational and descriptive parts of your cyber-profile.
Your first impression of someone usually serves as the basis for how you subsequently view, think of, and interact with, them. The wonderful world of soulmate searching (dating, for all you new readers) is no exception. That first impression you make will define you in the minds of all the potential soulmates that you meet. It will stick around to haunt you until you do something to change it. Changing that first impression is no easy task. It’s like Chris Rock or Mike Myers trying to play a serious movie role. As much as you try, it’s really hard to view them as anything but comedians.
 You basically have only one shot at a first impression, so you better make it count. You want that first impression to convey who you really are or, better yet, who you really want to be. You see, every time you meet someone new, you have the incredible opportunity of presenting yourself in exactly the way you would like to be seen. You get a fresh start with each new meeting. No, you cannot lie and say you are a movie producer looking to cast the lead in an upcoming blockbuster (if you’re not). Yes, you can emphasize and highlight the aspects of who you are that you are most proud of and that you feel capture the real you. If you work as a mechanical engineer, but are an aspiring novelist on the side (and in your heart), you can highlight the “novelist you”, and just give the “engineering you” a passing mention. If you meet someone at an art exhibition and speak to them about the finer things in life, they will assume that you are a cultured, lover of the arts, even if you are really a crude, messy, lover of professional wrestling. The truth will eventually come out, but that initial impression gives you the opportunity to change if you choose to.
More important than what you do or like is how you act and conduct yourself. If at an initial meeting you act like a jerk, make crude jokes and rude remarks, that is how you will be remembered and classified. If that’s who you really are, then you deserve it, but if that’s not the real you, then you’ve really messed up. People will think of you as the jerk who made crude jokes and rude remarks, because all they have to go on is that first impression. Once you’ve got that reputation, it’s really hard to shake. You need to constantly prove yourself “innocent” to simply get back to even.
It’s not only how you act, but with whom, and where, you hang out. If you’re seen with a promiscuous group, you will be assumed to be promiscuous, even if you’re not. If you never set foot in a dance club, but just once happen to go to one to wish a friend birthday greetings, people who meet you there for the first time will assume you come there often (not that there’s anything bad about dance clubs, if that’s what you like). It’s judgmental and unfair, but it’s reality, so you need to be aware and remain vigilant. Think of yourself as a brand manager. You must do everything to protect, and advance, the value and integrity of your brand. Remember what happened to Tylenol when, in the 1980′s, several people died after taking capsules that were tampered with and poisoned? Even though it was clearly an isolated incident caused by a madman, millions of capsules had to be recalled and no one would touch a Tylenol capsule for some time after. It took time, and lots of money, for the brand to recover. Don’t let your brand be ruined by an unfortunate, unplanned, and thoughtless incident.
Most soulmate searchers are seeking someone who is generally happy. Life is hard enough as is. Who wants to make it tougher by being around a downer? So if you want to attract a potential soulmate, you need to make a first impression that says, I’m happy. How do you do that? If you have to ask, that’s not a great sign, but I’ll tell you anyway. Smile. Sounds simple, right? Well, lots of guys and gals don’t. They scowl, frown, and roll their eyes. They complain. They spew sarcastic quips and observations. They emit enough negative energy to light up Times Square. Who in their right mind wants to date that? If you want to attract potential soulmates, you must smile and be positive and optimistic. The positive energy you will give off will draw them in. You will be seen as happy, fun, a breath of fresh air. Who wouldn’t want to be around you?
Making a bad first impression is often too hard to change, so be alert and aware of your actions. Make that first impression a good one. It’s easy to do, and vital to your soulmate searching success.
Next time I’ll discuss making a great first impression on your online dating profile (yes, I know you have one). If you want a second opinion on yours, email it to me and I’ll read it and comment. I won’t post it in the blog unless you specifically give me permission too, and even then it would be anonymous.
Looking forward to reading some of your profiles!
I’ve heard so many people complain about the awkwardness of sitting across a table in a dimly lit restaurant from someone you barely know, struggling to make conversation, that I feel the need to tackle this seemingly traumatic experience. My initial reaction is that the problem is not really the setting, it’s the interaction. I’m sure you’d love to be sitting in that same seat, gazing into the eyes of your fantasy date. How romantic!
 Back to reality. Your sitting across a blind date, or someone you’ve just met once or twice but haven’t connected with yet. Now what? Well, who told you to suggest, or agree to, going to a romantic dinner for a first date?
There are always exceptions, but as a general rule, unless you have a really good sense that there is a connection between you and your date, you should not suggest, or agree to, a romantic (usually expensive) restaurant for a first date. The odds are heavily stacked against your success. Even if you do like each other, it’s simply too early to be romantic. Wait until the second date! We’ve all seen those shidduch dates, where the couple is all dressed up, sitting stiffly across from each other, the gal barely touching her food, too nervous to function. What a shame. Both of them are wishing they could just have grabbed a slice of pizza and sat on a park bench and casually talked.
Guys, it’s up to you to think of a comfortable and respectable venue or environment that is conducive to getting to know your date. You don’t have to be super creative and reinvent the wheel. It doesn’t have to be a trip to Paris or a ride in a hot air balloon, although the balloon idea will probably impress even the coldest heart. It just has to be nice, relaxed, and safe. If it’s all that and fun, you’ve hit the jackpot. It’s really not about the money you spend. If it is, then you’re probably with the wrong gal. It is about the atmosphere and ambiance. A walk in the park on a beautiful day eating ice cream can be much more enjoyable and meaningful than an awkward restaurant. The goal of dating is to get to know the other person, not to impress them, although if you show some creativity, you can accomplish both. Even going out for coffee can be made into something special. Going to the nearest Starbucks is obviously convenient and easy, but finding a coffee house that’s a little different and classy, like Edgar’s or Lalos (cafe’s on the UWS), or going to a hip hotel lounge like the Hudson Hotel (there are hundreds of cool places in NYC), can make an ordinary evening special.
Gals, you’re not off the hook here. True, it’s traditionally the guy’s responsibility to plan the date, but you have at least as much at stake in the outcome, so you need to make sure it goes as well as possible. If your date suggests something that you just know will be lame, it’s totally fine for you to suggest an alternative. Most guys will gladly welcome the help, especially if you explain your reasoning in a positive and enthusiastic way.
The venue and atmosphere is only half the battle. The harder part is making sure that the conversation is engaging, interesting, and thoughtful. Ask questions to get to know your date. Besides getting to know them, you will also be following one of the primary rules of successful social interaction. As Dale Carnegie, the master of conversation, points out in his classic “How to Make Friends and Influence People”, people love to hear the sound of their own voice. If someone ends up speaking for most of a conversation, they will leave feeling like they had an incredible experience. If your date ends up doing most of the talking, as a result of your questions, he or she will go to sleep that night thinking how wonderfully the conversation went and how great you are. Of course, the ideal is for both people on the date to get to know each other through an equal give and take. If you find that you’re just asking and listening, take the initiative and offer your date some insight into yourself.
Make the conversation flow. Yes, you can do that, but you need to be prepared. Make sure you have things to talk about, interesting stuff. Your date might not be a soulmate connection, but at least the date will be pleasant and upbeat. You always want to make sure that your dates are as engaging and interesting as possible, because that guy or gal sitting across from you will tell their friends all about it, and you. You’re reputation and future dating prospects are on the line, so be your best.
Be creative, mix it up, put the effort in, and you will have interesting and engaging dates that might turn into soulmate connections, but at the very least, will turn into soulmate referrals.
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